I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Green mimosas i think yes
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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