I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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