Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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