hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
