I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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