i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
