We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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