Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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