I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Panties = found
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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