Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
