I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
