Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
