If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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