I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
