Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
