So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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