how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
