It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
