did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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