fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
