it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I cannot find my penis.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
