I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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