she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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