Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
