if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
