As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
