So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
