My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
