Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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