I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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