There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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