Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
