I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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