I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
