I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
