i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
