When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
last night I used snow as a chaser
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
