If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
