I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize