cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think your dad took our porno
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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