I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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