I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
