does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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