I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
