The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
