I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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