Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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