I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
