my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
