Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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