i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
