He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
