the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
