just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
