That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Randomize
