I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
