the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
