Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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