I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
