I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
